(Lights up, center spot, on a small, empty stage. No set, no scenery, just a simple desk with an open laptop on it. The Performance Blogger sits behind the computer and addresses the audience directly. That’s right, directly.)
Hey everybody and welcome. I hope you’re comfortable. Though, let’s face it, comfort may not be what we should be concerned about these days. Am I right?
(A small “whoop” from in the back.)
There you go. Somebody gets it. So, welcome to the Ol’ Timey Brainwash and Book Tour and...Blog...and show? You know, as I sit here, staring into the darkness that I know is both the void and your unquenchable need for distracta-validation, I think about how’d I’d rather be doing this as a show - a show show. I mean...it is a show. It’s a blog - but it’s a show. And I think about how I’d much rather have you, the audience, here with me, a big roomful of living bodies, sitting right in front of me, in the dark, suspended in the moment, together, with me, us, sharing the space, breathing each other’s air-
(A cough from the back row over on the right.)
The same planetary air we all share -
(Another cough.)
Breathing in each other -
(The coughs explode into a full on fit, an endless spasm of wet, hacking cough. Everybody starts thinking about blood stains on handkerchiefs and all those pictographs showing how airborne droplets move around small spaces. No one’s into the show anymore. Or the blog. The Performance Blogger addresses The Cougher in The Dark.)
Hey, Sir Coughs-A-Lot, you wanna take it outside? I’m runnin’ a blog show here, not a triage tent in the Wal Mart parking lot.
SIR COUGHS-A-LOT: I’m fine (cough). I’ll be fine (hack). I’m good. (Hack!) Just need a little water.
(Coughs-A-Lot sips some water and immediately hack-sprays it out over the entire right side of the audience. The Audience goes berserk.)
AM#1: That spit take’s going viral! It’s a viral spit take!
AM#2: They gots the Deltas!
AM#3: It’s Covid Connie! Look everybody, it’s Covid Connie!
COUGHS-A-LOT: I am not Covid Connie! Stop calling me that! (Hack!) I’m not-
(HAAACK! And this time a small piece of green gravy flies across the room and kersplat! hits the Performance Blogger right in the eye.)
AM#4: Superspreader event!
(The crowd stampedes. It’s like Woodstock II up in there but without all the ecstasy and Limp Bizkits.)
AUDIENCE – Outta my way! / My concern for others has evaporated! / Fauci was right about Wu Tang! / When y’all said live experimental live blog-theater nobody said nothin’ bout me bein’ a guinea pig for your disease stockpile! I ain’t no petri dish! (Etc.)
(In a flash, The Audience has disappeared and once again, The Performance Blogger is alone. An opportunity to heal, to come together, to laugh and maybe make a few bucks is gone. The Performance Blogger addresses the now empty MindSpace Theater. At $350 a night, may as well enjoy the air conditioning.)
Well, shoot.
(Sigh)
Maybe I’m glad it’s a blog and not a show. I mean, it is a show but...I’m not sure I’m ready for the close up and breathing experience again. Apparently you’re not. Running out of here like that. Look, somebody left their purse.
(Sigh)
I thought it would be the usual crowd. Two friends, two acquaintances, and one lost soul who misread the description and thought it was a revival meeting or something. I try to be explicit in the explanations but…
I guess I’m just not ready for more than five people at a time. (Begins going through the purse.) Damnit, no cash? And who carries Lifesavers anymore? Anyway, welcome to it. The show, I mean. The Blog. The show blog. The show that’s a blog. The – this thing.
Whatever.
Welcome to it.
BLACKOUT!
#ViralSpittakeIsMyNewFunkMetalDanceBand #ShredForHire #NoHashtagsForTheBlogGag
Hey everybody and welcome. I hope you’re comfortable. Though, let’s face it, comfort may not be what we should be concerned about these days. Am I right?
(A small “whoop” from in the back.)
There you go. Somebody gets it. So, welcome to the Ol’ Timey Brainwash and Book Tour and...Blog...and show? You know, as I sit here, staring into the darkness that I know is both the void and your unquenchable need for distracta-validation, I think about how’d I’d rather be doing this as a show - a show show. I mean...it is a show. It’s a blog - but it’s a show. And I think about how I’d much rather have you, the audience, here with me, a big roomful of living bodies, sitting right in front of me, in the dark, suspended in the moment, together, with me, us, sharing the space, breathing each other’s air-
(A cough from the back row over on the right.)
The same planetary air we all share -
(Another cough.)
Breathing in each other -
(The coughs explode into a full on fit, an endless spasm of wet, hacking cough. Everybody starts thinking about blood stains on handkerchiefs and all those pictographs showing how airborne droplets move around small spaces. No one’s into the show anymore. Or the blog. The Performance Blogger addresses The Cougher in The Dark.)
Hey, Sir Coughs-A-Lot, you wanna take it outside? I’m runnin’ a blog show here, not a triage tent in the Wal Mart parking lot.
SIR COUGHS-A-LOT: I’m fine (cough). I’ll be fine (hack). I’m good. (Hack!) Just need a little water.
(Coughs-A-Lot sips some water and immediately hack-sprays it out over the entire right side of the audience. The Audience goes berserk.)
AM#1: That spit take’s going viral! It’s a viral spit take!
AM#2: They gots the Deltas!
AM#3: It’s Covid Connie! Look everybody, it’s Covid Connie!
COUGHS-A-LOT: I am not Covid Connie! Stop calling me that! (Hack!) I’m not-
(HAAACK! And this time a small piece of green gravy flies across the room and kersplat! hits the Performance Blogger right in the eye.)
AM#4: Superspreader event!
(The crowd stampedes. It’s like Woodstock II up in there but without all the ecstasy and Limp Bizkits.)
AUDIENCE – Outta my way! / My concern for others has evaporated! / Fauci was right about Wu Tang! / When y’all said live experimental live blog-theater nobody said nothin’ bout me bein’ a guinea pig for your disease stockpile! I ain’t no petri dish! (Etc.)
(In a flash, The Audience has disappeared and once again, The Performance Blogger is alone. An opportunity to heal, to come together, to laugh and maybe make a few bucks is gone. The Performance Blogger addresses the now empty MindSpace Theater. At $350 a night, may as well enjoy the air conditioning.)
Well, shoot.
(Sigh)
Maybe I’m glad it’s a blog and not a show. I mean, it is a show but...I’m not sure I’m ready for the close up and breathing experience again. Apparently you’re not. Running out of here like that. Look, somebody left their purse.
(Sigh)
I thought it would be the usual crowd. Two friends, two acquaintances, and one lost soul who misread the description and thought it was a revival meeting or something. I try to be explicit in the explanations but…
I guess I’m just not ready for more than five people at a time. (Begins going through the purse.) Damnit, no cash? And who carries Lifesavers anymore? Anyway, welcome to it. The show, I mean. The Blog. The show blog. The show that’s a blog. The – this thing.
Whatever.
Welcome to it.
BLACKOUT!
#ViralSpittakeIsMyNewFunkMetalDanceBand #ShredForHire #NoHashtagsForTheBlogGag
Next up...Crazy Visual Word Salad >>>